This Fucking Pandemic

I'm tired.

Probably I am more tired than I have every right to be. I work from home, I haven't done any chores this week, I haven't socialized outside of work, and I most certainly have not worked out. I should have energy.

But still, I am tired.

It has been hard to discern whether or not this exhaustion has come from dealing with this pandemic or if it is just the result of living in a mentally unsustainable way. I knew going into 2020 that I needed to focus on putting up boundaries. For years I made myself accessible to family and friends, I felt like saying no to hanging out as much as they wanted made me a bad person. Certainly, the media had a hand in that. I grew up watching tv shows that catered on the idea that being a good friend meant you always had to be talking and hanging out. Even though I knew that being constantly accessible was wearing on my mental health, I felt like it was a personal fault that I could not handle being with people as much as they seemed to want to be with me. I would get so overwhelmed that I would spiral into breakdowns, cancelling plans last minute. I would find myself lying to get some semblance of alone time.

I still lie. Often.

Towards the end of 2019, I realized how the lies were taking their toll on me. I also realized that these lies made me a shitty friend. By not trusting the people in my life with the truth, I was taking away their choice in our relationship. But the truth is hard, I hate disappointing others. So I resolved that I would work on my boundaries, I would only do one social thing during the week and one on the weekend. I hoped that would give me the energy to text people back, or even to message them first. The slow response, and even lack of messages on my end of every friendship I have still guilts me. I wanted to feel like a good friend for once. I hoped these boundaries would help me achieve that.

Then the pandemic happened.

I lost my job.

During the first month of my job loss, of quarantine, I took everything pretty well. I dyed my hair pink, I scheduled a lot of zoom social calls, I got into Tik Tok, and I binged so much tv. My apartment was the cleanest it had ever been because I had the time and energy to clean it. I re-discovered my joy of walking, I picked up my guitar and started playing again, I re-learned how to knit. Despite all the fear surrounding the pandemic, I was happy that month.

Happiness is relative.

I started suffering from extreme boughs of insomnia in May. It was not unusual for me to not be able to sleep until 6 or 7am. I was anxious about the possibility of having to find another job before the CERB ran out. I was restless because I was not working. I put so much stock in my job that without it I didn't fully comprehend who I was supposed to be or what I was supposed to talk about with others. What does fulfillment even look like outside the concept of a job? I still don't know the answer to that.

In addition to those burning questions, I was stressed out because I felt like everyone had constant access to me. I was unemployed, we were all quarantining inside, this increase in free time also increased the pressure I felt to be constantly available. However, having free time and being available are not the same thing. For a person who is already struggling with saying "no," it is hard to differentiate between being free and being available. I felt bad for needing these boundaries because I had more time to devote to others.

Everyone was going through a tough time. We are told to reach out.

How could I deny people who were reaching out to me? Especially when I had free time.

These were struggles I continued to have while I was unemployed. Then, in September my previous employer contacted me with a wonderful new opportunity. I felt re-energized, and that carried on through the first month. To be clear, I love my job. I am doing something important, I feel like my contributions make a difference, I love all the people I work with and I love the purpose that it gives me. I feel like the boss b*tch I always knew I could be. In addition to this new job, Justin and I got the chance to move to a bigger apartment. I knew that all this change would be tiring but it would be worth it.

We moved, I am three months back into work, this pandemic rages on, and I am so tired.

Even though I don't commute because I work from home, I wake up feeling exhausted. I roll out of bed and go straight to my desk. 45% of the time my hair is a mess (at least to me) and I am wearing pajama bottoms. Lately, on good days I wear sweatpants. I have been too exhausted to do anything after work. My new apartment is already a mess. I don't have the energy to cook so I order out. I don't have the energy to work out. I feel like I am continuously failing as an adult. How do you all keep a clean house? How do you have the energy to cook?

Why can't I do it?

I am so tired.

I don't have the energy to text back. I don't have the energy for social obligations. I don't have the energy to post a lot on social media. I feel like I am not capable of being the friend that so many of you deserve, I feel like I am failing as a friend almost constantly. I don't understand how others are able to stay constantly connected. I just can't do that. I can't be that person.

I don't open up a lot so to many of you reading this it probably sounds like one big red flag. I can assure you I will be okay. Like all of you, I have my good days and my bad days. I am coming off a move, the holidays add on extra responsibilities to think about, the pandemic adds to that stress. So right now I am tired. By the end of the month I may not be tired anymore. I roll with the punches this pandemic brings, much like all of you are doing right now. I am doing my best. I am doing what I need to do to take care of myself in the ways I need to right now.

I wrote this today because I was feeling particularly anxious. So I courteously ask that I receive no private messages about this post. I appreciate the support and the need to check in, but I don't want to have a lot of personal conversations about it. I don't have the energy for that. But thank you for allowing me to get my thoughts out, it has been more cathartic to tell the truth than you can imagine.